Sunday, October 12, 2008

Cue the Jaws Theme

Yes, it's that time again. Seth approaches Father Blog and asks to be pardoned from all his sins.

Or something like that. If only I were Catholic - or life were simple.

Really, this is only a confession of one sin. My total ideological meltdown that completely encompasses every aspect of my life.

This isn't a shocking confession - everyone I've ever had as a part of my life knows it - I've just always ignored it or pretended otherwise. However, in truth, there is no method to the madness.

I'm not necessarily repenting, because I'm not necessarily changing - I'm only caving and admitting the obvious. I'm doing nothing with my life.

Everyone who knows me asks me at some point "what are you doing with your life?" The truth is - absolutely nothing. I'm just drifting aimlessly through, shirking responsibility and conscience at every corner.

I have no plan. I don't know what I'm doing or why I do it. But there are many people like that.

I'm different. I know my weaknesses, I'll even cop to most of them if you ask. I even know a few of my strengths. But I do absolutely nothing with them. I'm Edmund Burke's worst nightmare - the person who understands good and evil and deliberately does nothing. I'm immoral in most respects, though I do feel pangs of conscience at times. But even worse is that I take no responsibility for my God-given abilities.

All my life people have spotted my few abilities, and they've always wondered when I would own up to them - and secretly I've wondered the same thing. Part of me doesn't own up to them just to be contrary. The rest of me is simply a coward. Life's so much easier when you pretend you have no gifts. Let everyone dumb down all their expectations of me, and occasionally I might surprise them. I know - that's absurd. It's obviously not a fear of failure - I fail every expectation that has ever been thrown my way. I'm simply irresponsible and unrepentant.

I'm doing nothing with my life - and most of the time it doesn't bother me. I'm wasting every second I've been granted without conscience, and while I'm certainly not among Edmund Burke's "good men", I am among the indifferent and teaming masses who deliberately do nothing.

And I don't even have a reason why.